Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
