i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
