nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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