Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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