I just threw up on my dentist
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
