Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
