Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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