I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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