Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
