Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
if only i could text you this smell
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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