I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
