I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
