The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
