my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
