I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
