If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
