Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
