she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
