my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
