The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
