ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
