fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
