Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I forget how to act sober
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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