New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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