after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
