I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
