Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
