I just pynch a tree in the face
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
