my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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