I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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