I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i think my mom watched the whole time
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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