i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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