the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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