I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
