I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
