apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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