the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
