Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
