i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
