Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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