I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You need Xanax blowdarts
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
