so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
