Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
