i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
