Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
