You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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