he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize
