don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just forgot I was standing up.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
