I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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