i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
