So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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