I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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