Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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