You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
