...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
