Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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